lost... again

I'm at that point in my life where I wish things were going my way.  They have been, or maybe it did.  I actually don't know, but I still feel I'm not where I want to be.  I'm nowhere near 25, but will be turning 24 soon (mark your calendars: Sept. 10).  Am I going through my quarter-life crisis... again?!

Being in Virginia, I feel stuck.  My brother left for the Peace Corps, so I'm forced to stay until he returns & to be there more for my parents, especially my mother.  However, it's been two days since I've kept contact with her, & I know I should be better about keeping in touch since I'm their only child within close proximity, but it's hard.  It's difficult especially since I have a life of my own & I can't stand the sight of seeing my mother cry.  Cry her eyes out about not wanting my brother to leave, or blaming me for him leaving, or his overall well-being living in a 3rd world country.

I feel no matter what, no matter who I'm associated with, I'll always have the past haunting me.  It's a lot of history to shake off & it's not that I want to forget it.  I'm not even sure if I want to move on from it.  It has shaped me & my life now, so should I even leave it?  No matter how hard I try it's always there.  I read a lot into signs & usually believe in them, so does it all mean something?  In my heart I feel it does, but others think/know otherwise.  Usually I'd take heart into what other's see, but with my stubbornness & tenacity to feel more of what's in my heart I go with my instincts, & hold off with what else is said.

Career-wise I enjoy doing what I do, but I know it's something I don't want to do for the rest of my life.  I did a total 360 from what I graduated to what I do now.  I've always wanted to be where I am now.  Hell, that's the reason why I wanted to do graphic design in the first place.  However, advertising still appeals to me.  Just the dynamics of it attracts me to want to be a designer for an art director & eventually an art director once being in the business for a while.  Thus, leading to my ultimate dream/goal of having my own agency or somewhere along those lines.  I don't know if this is a possibility, though, because I need to already have experience in that field & the only experience I have is what I've done in my portfolio classes in college & then volunteering for the Addy awards, if that's even considered experience at all.  Even if I wanted to get back into the game, I'd have to at least go to grad school & get into the business that way.  But I don't know, the way that I am/think I know I want to do it on my own without going to grad school, which may be tough, but I feel I can do it... somehow.  I know I need to take a risk & figure out when to do it, but is now really the right time?

I know I'm fucking awesome inside & out, but I feel no one of the opposite sex notices.  I don't even want to be tied down at the moment, but it is nice knowing I can attract the right people & have the attention of others agreeing how awesome I am.  Maybe it's also because I miss the perks of having a significant other who is the guy version of me.  I believe in tradition in the sense of the guy making the effort to catch my eye & not the other way around.  Lately it has been me making moves & quite frankly I'm tired of it because I feel it's getting me nowhere.  I hate wasting my breath for nothing because I feel I'm just wasting that fraction of my life where I could've been using it on something more interesting.

Sigh, will I get what I truly deserve?  Or will it take a while since it's "the secret" that will have to catch me by surprise since it sounds like I'm putting too many expectations on things I shouldn't be?  Stupid life, stop being so simplistically complicated.

Something I did on the sly:

neue

It's not a new year, but I feel a lot of change is coming.

Today my brother left to go to Africa for the Peace Corps.  He actually does not leave until tomorrow, but it was the last time I physically saw my brother.  That is, until he returns two years from now.  My mother has not taken it well, so far.  I had gone out for a run when I returned back to their house only to find my mother meeting me at the door, crying hysterically about how she did not want him to go & that she wanted him back.  She cried for me to call him at the hotel he stayed at, which I did, but to no avail he was not there.  Seeing my mother like this breaks my heart.  I now know I definitely need to be there more for my parents, & will have to put my plans on a hold until my brother returns.  I guess I will now know what it is like to be an only child for a bit.

Yesterday I received a reckless ticket while driving back home to drop off my brother from a dinner we had out of town on top of trying to make it on time for work.  Honestly, I am a safe driver who uses their turn signal when necessary, is usually defensive when on the road, & always in the middle of reckless drivers.  However there are moments when I am pressed for time, & may have to rush to get where I need to be.  Unfortunately, it is at times when the authorities catch me at my worse when in reality they should have been there for all the times I see other drivers driving more reckless than my speeding.  This is my second time receiving this offense & I do not know how this will turn out.  I am just really hoping nothing bad, but overpriced fees will be the consequence of this all.  Looks like this is the end of the little Asian speed racer that flows through my blood.

Another mishap concerning yesterday was the mysterious lost of a somewhat large sum of money in my purse.  Money usually does not phase me & I do not let it get the best of me, but it is so frustrating to know I did have this sum of money, but it is nowhere to be found.  I have lost between $500-$1000 within this month from my vacation in California, bills & general infrequent spending.  I do know how to budget my money if you are thinking otherwise.  I just think it is the economy that affects everywhere no matter if you have a job, or not.  I definitely can not spend money for a good two months or so.

My website expired not too long ago.  I was not given an email warning me & asking to renew.  I am not sure if it is because it might have been sent to my old email that I had deleted, but I swear it was set up with my current email address.  Since I do not have the funds to renew it, or even purchase a new web host/domain, I have to resort to using my blog as my portfolio/personal site.  This is tricky since I need to figure out how to convert my regular blog into an actual website.  Sleep deprivation will soon become a part of my life.

It seems as if one problem arises another appears, & it ends up snowballing into a disaster known as my life.  Despite this all, however, I have kept my cool & stayed optimistic.  I am not going to lie when I say that my mood has turned a bit "emo," but this feeling is beyond better than if it was my old self handling all this.  I forgot how it was to feel like this since I have been feeling like I was on top of the world for a few months.  I feel like this feeling is forever, but I know it will pass.  I just need to focus on what needs improvement & to go on from there.

Since I am making this my portfolio/personal site now I will try to post as much designs & art that I have created starting with these flyers for two events I am helping plan:

weekend lessons

*Denotes a conglomerate of people I truly care about

Another weekend gone & already I'm anticipating for next weekend to roll by.  However, I don't have to wait for the weekend to come since I'll be enjoying the California sun come this Wednesday.  Finally, an actual vacation from the real world... sorta.  Although I'll be living it up, mostly with family, on the West coast, I'll definitely miss the ones I care about.  Yes, that's correct.  You* :]

This weekend, like most that have passed, was one to remember.  Roaming around Hampton Roads to run errands, support a friend, fine dine (ok, so it wasn't that classy, but it was still dining & fine to me) with eclectic minds, hang out with people you normally would not, or have not seen in a while.  Basically, having an adventure that is not only an experience gained, but a life lesson learned.

So, what's this lesson I've learned you wonder?  It's similar to all the lessons I've learned actually.  Life's too short to dwell in the past.  Look at what you've got now & work that into your future.  Besides this point, I've also learned that there's nothing wrong in taking risks... when it comes to love.  I finally got to hang out with my virgo connection & we saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.  I thought it was an excellent movie & it made me wonder about love & the silly things it does to you.  I'm not gonna lie, I've done stupid things for love, but at what cost?  Only to feel a temporary high & then once it's gone, only to feel at a low point of your life waiting for the next high to come again.  Sounds like a drug & honestly, I don't wanna be hurt because you know, that's what drugs can do.  Then again, it's love & who wants to find themselves alone?

For a while, I've found myself at this position.  Fighting the mixed emotions of wanting to & then not caring to be loved again.  You've always got to look out for #1, right?  Only care about yourself since that's what matters in the end.  Well, as I'm typing out these words, that still stands true in my heart, but it doesn't hurt to let your guard down every once in a while to let love in.  Especially when it's that love that is/was true to your heart.  No matter what happens.  No matter what risks I take, or the opportunities I allow or pass up on.  I'll give love a chance not because it's what everyone wants, nor because it's something we all can't live without.  I'll simply take it as what I feel in my heart because it's always the intuition that knows what's best.  And usually that's the most honest things will get (it's funny to know I now know the meaning of what these love songs the Beatles, Lenny Kravitz & other artists sang about.  Yes, they really do have an actual meaning & aren't just catchy tunes forever embedded in your head).

Life is simple.  It really is.  It's like a puzzle.  Once you figure it out, the rest is easy.  How is it we form these little implications that make it complicated?  I guess that's where boredom & drama come in.

untitled

As I sit here at work listening to The Smiths & attempting to design another shirt, I find myself at ease.  Not necessarily at peace, but just calm.  My horoscope, as usual, is correct.  Despite everything going on around me, I can sense everything is somewhat at a standstill.  I'm not sure as to what it is I have all my energies at a halt for, but whatever it is I hope it gets me to a point in my life where I'll have everything I've deserved & that I am satisfied.  This sounds like I'm talking about the end of the world.  Is it?  It seems as if we've come across an unknown frontier.

The future is coming.  Are you ready for it?  I think I'm just about ready to embrace it.

the times they are a changin'

**Disclaimer: The following blog is composed of raw opinions that shouldn't be taken serious, but most definitely considered. Apologies for the random rambling in advance**

Sorry it's been a while since I've last posted a blog. Surprisingly, my life has been busy even though it's more of my social life that's got me occupied, & not work or side projects I've yet to start/complete.

Things have started to look up for me lately. Well, actually it hasn't been that recent. More like a month or so ago. I've been able to look at the world at different perspectives & begun to understand that there's more out there in the world no matter how difficult the struggles you're going through can be. Although I have been good in keeping my thoughts positive & not let negativity ruin them, today was a different story.

Maybe it was the people around me, the change in the weather, or maybe there's no real reason at all, but today felt like a day where I could just leave it all. Suicidal or not? Sounds a bit like it, but honestly I have no reason to take my own life. I have a good job, friends & family that love me & definitely a lot more opportunities coming in my way. Take it however you may, I just feel so... asldkf;jasl;fj;alsjf;ajflaj. There's actually no specific word to pin it, but maybe explaining how I feel can help define it.

You know the feeling you get when you just don't care anymore? Not because you're sad, mad, depressed, etc. Or the feeling that sometimes it's better to be alone or better off without this & that because, really, you ARE better than whatever it is you're better than? I'm not sure if all of this is making sense, but that's just how I feel. It's not really towards a particular person or thing, or a situation of that matter. It's literally just how I feel. Maybe the word I'm looking for is a word synonymous to indifferent. Or maybe that is the word I'm looking for.

I feel like wandering for miles around the Earth. Taking in the sights & sounds, & appreciating the little details that entail this journey of life. I think this is just what I need. To get out of where I am & to expand my mind with what else makes this the world the way it is. Is this what a quarter-century life crisis is? Or am I starting to believe that there is no hope for society & that is why we are all so fixated on pop culture & its trends? I don't know. Sometimes I think no one ever really knows what I'm saying or thinking & I think it's sad. I wish people would see how much more there is out there because then I'd have someone else to talk about philosophical things & know that life isn't so predictable. I mean, I'm no revolutionist or saint with the way I'm talking about what I'm talking about because I definitely find myself indulging in pop culture trends, but hey! I'm only human.

I seriously think I just need a vacation...

Life may be predictable 99% of the time, but it's that 1% that makes you wonder why that is & most definitely is the reason why.

what is happiness?

**Disclaimer:  This isn't a fact.  It's merely a theory.  Hope you enjoy!**

About a little over five years ago, a reporter for the 757 column of the Virginian Pilot approached me when I was with my brother at the former Relative Theory records store in Norfolk, VA.  She was asking random cool kids in the store what their definition of happiness was.  Surprisingly, she approached me & asked me what I thought the meaning was.  This was hard.  I pondered for a second & being the naive youth I was simply stated:  "being loved."  At the time, everything had fallen into place in my life & I was in love.  Little do I know now, this was wrong.

Don't get me wrong.  Love is a many splendrous thing.  However, love can be complicated & there are more emotions that come with it besides happiness.  Tonight was one of those nights where I had an epiphany.  Well, I don't think I just realized it at that moment, but I damn well understood it now.  Happiness just isn't being in love or loved.  It's not just having everything in your life fall into place.  It's those small details in life that is happiness.  Think about it.  For me, playing my iPod on shuffle while driving in my car & it so happens all the songs it plays are the perfect songs that play at those exact moments.  Or, finding a random dollar bill in your pocket of something you haven't worn in a while.  Even being there for a friend or family member when you least expect it & the joy you feel just making their day better when you had no intentions of it.  To me, that is happiness.  The minor things in life that we all take for granted.  If only I had known back then what I do now.  I think I'd be a very well-rounded person ahead of her time.

I don't know all the answers in life, but I do know the lessons that come out of it.

why?

It feels like my world is crashing down, but will I be strong enough to stand up on my own?  I tend to form close relations with people I never thought I would.  Now that I've become quite attached to these emotional bonds how will it be when they're all gone?  I know no matter what I've only got myself to rely on, but sometimes being alone just doesn't kick it.  I'd rather die than be stranded alone in a deserted island.  No matter how many materialistic possessions I'd own, nothing can ever replace the company of another human being.

Is this one of the many tests of survival of the fittest?

it's been a while

I understand it's been a while since I've last updated.  I've somewhat occupied myself with projects to do/freelance for creative gigs on Craigslist.  I've also joined a gym, so that's taken a lot of my free time on weekdays when I get the chance to actually go.

But, this blog isn't an update of where I've been & of all the adventures I ventured off to.

I just don't know anymore.  I feel I'm at the end, but I know I shouldn't let this stop me dead in my tracks.  It's nothing big, nor that much of an importance.  At least it shouldn't be anyhow.  I'm just tired.  Tired of trying.  Tired of waiting.  Tired of everything going on that I want to forget about it.  I want it to go away with just the thought of it, or a blink from my eye.  On the other end, though, I don't want it to end.  I don't want it to seem like a waste & forget it all.  I don't want to be something that has been & will never be.   I always feel like I'm running in circles & that I'm not going anywhere in life.  But, sometimes that's not always the solution for people.  To stop cold turkey.  Completely shut it out.  Maybe I care too much.  It's in my nature to be that way.  I wish things could finally go my way because damn it I deserve it!  This year has been one of my worst so why can't I finally be happy like everyone else?

I wish these were better times where things could be the way they should be.

12:34

My hair only looks hot after a good ol' workout from the gym.  Too bad I don't have a picture to show it =(  There's always tomorrow, or well today.

Am I not good enough, or am I too good for anything (not trying to sound arrogant or anything... this is more like one of those rhetorical questions I wish there was an answer for)?  I've been asking myself this for many months now & I just don't know.  I've always patiently waited for things to come my way, & eventually it has.  I'm just tired of waiting so long for it to happen.

My iPod was randomly shuffling through songs as I drove home from work & Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares To You" played.  Memories memories memories flashed through my mind.  Nostalgia suddenly set in.  I'm glad I had my workout at the gym to snap me out of it.  I think if my mind keeps up with doing this to myself I'll end up being either super fit, underweight, or an exercise junkie.

I finally created a sign/logo for Janelle's boyfriend's nephew's cafe.  It only took me around a hour to develop, but I kept messing around with the colors & placement of words and such that I was indecisive to come up with a final design.  Hopefully this will be suffice.

I miss designing.  Especially designing with an elaborate concept in mind.  Sometimes I still imagine how it would be like working for a design or advertising agency of sorts.  I do like the apparel side of designing too, but I'm not sure how long I would want to stick with this.  I have many dreams of what I still want to do.  I just hope I'll be able to live them out.

I know I haven't kept up with my daily nostalgic pictures, but hopefully this one will make up for it:

Nostalgic Pic#5 - Volunteering as a medical victim at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Richmond, VA circa 2006.  I did this a few months prior to this picture & got compensated $50.  I received a letter in the mail asking if I'd like to volunteer & be compensated once again, so I decided to & invited a few friends along for the fun!  I'm still upset everyone except I didn't get my compensation to this day.

eyes cream sonday

As the end of another chill & relaxing weekend draws near, for the first time ever I'm complaining about how I don't want the work week to begin.  These past two weeks at work have been stressful, though, there was no need to feel stressed.  However, under the situations I was in I felt pressured & rushed so how in the hell can I not stress over that?  Anyways, it's over & done & I did the best I could so that's all that really matters... right?

I just saw The Duchess & I must say I did enjoy it.  Especially the elaborate costumes & hair.  That Georgiana sure does have style.  It is based on a true story, so of course everything was predictable.  I just realized Keira Knightley always plays roles where the movie is set in the 17th or 18th century of England.  Not that this is bad or anything.  It suits her most of the time, but I did like her acting in this movie.  If I had a "I kissed a girl & liked it..." & etc. list, Keira would be #2 (#1 would be Angelina Jolie).  Sometimes I wonder what it's like living during those times.  It must be nice to just have everything catered to you & to have lavish dinners & parties.  I'll admit, I wanted to drink wine after watching The Duchess. Throughout 90% of the movie, I always saw a drink in their hands.

I love my Godson & niece.  They're so cute & silly, especially my Godson.  He's full of so much energy & imagination with no real care in the world (he's really intelligent too!).  My niece is still a bit shy, so when I saw her she was acting really sassy & not wanting to stray away from her mommy's or daddy's side.  However, once my cousin popped in the Dora the Explorer dvd on the television it was all over.  My niece jumped up & down, clapped her hands with so much joy, & smiled so big that I thought she was high... off life.  I can't wait to see them again on Christmas.  I swear once they're older they're going to break hearts, especially my niece.  I won't let them date until they're 30.  I wish they wouldn't grow up so fast (insert sad face here)!

Random thoughts:

- I'm ready for something new

- There's so much more things to discover outside my world

- If all else fails, music will always be there for me

- New York soon, yeah?

- I love Mirah's song, While We Have The Sun

a great find

One of my coworkers told me about this website (smashingmagazine.com) the other day, & I'm glad she did.  It's a great website & I absolutely love this section of the site:  10 Beautiful Things For A Beautiful Life.

Ah, it's the cute, awesome things in the littlest of life that get me going.