Being in Virginia, I feel stuck. My brother left for the Peace Corps, so I'm forced to stay until he returns & to be there more for my parents, especially my mother. However, it's been two days since I've kept contact with her, & I know I should be better about keeping in touch since I'm their only child within close proximity, but it's hard. It's difficult especially since I have a life of my own & I can't stand the sight of seeing my mother cry. Cry her eyes out about not wanting my brother to leave, or blaming me for him leaving, or his overall well-being living in a 3rd world country.
I feel no matter what, no matter who I'm associated with, I'll always have the past haunting me. It's a lot of history to shake off & it's not that I want to forget it. I'm not even sure if I want to move on from it. It has shaped me & my life now, so should I even leave it? No matter how hard I try it's always there. I read a lot into signs & usually believe in them, so does it all mean something? In my heart I feel it does, but others think/know otherwise. Usually I'd take heart into what other's see, but with my stubbornness & tenacity to feel more of what's in my heart I go with my instincts, & hold off with what else is said.
Career-wise I enjoy doing what I do, but I know it's something I don't want to do for the rest of my life. I did a total 360 from what I graduated to what I do now. I've always wanted to be where I am now. Hell, that's the reason why I wanted to do graphic design in the first place. However, advertising still appeals to me. Just the dynamics of it attracts me to want to be a designer for an art director & eventually an art director once being in the business for a while. Thus, leading to my ultimate dream/goal of having my own agency or somewhere along those lines. I don't know if this is a possibility, though, because I need to already have experience in that field & the only experience I have is what I've done in my portfolio classes in college & then volunteering for the Addy awards, if that's even considered experience at all. Even if I wanted to get back into the game, I'd have to at least go to grad school & get into the business that way. But I don't know, the way that I am/think I know I want to do it on my own without going to grad school, which may be tough, but I feel I can do it... somehow. I know I need to take a risk & figure out when to do it, but is now really the right time?
I know I'm fucking awesome inside & out, but I feel no one of the opposite sex notices. I don't even want to be tied down at the moment, but it is nice knowing I can attract the right people & have the attention of others agreeing how awesome I am. Maybe it's also because I miss the perks of having a significant other who is the guy version of me. I believe in tradition in the sense of the guy making the effort to catch my eye & not the other way around. Lately it has been me making moves & quite frankly I'm tired of it because I feel it's getting me nowhere. I hate wasting my breath for nothing because I feel I'm just wasting that fraction of my life where I could've been using it on something more interesting.
Sigh, will I get what I truly deserve? Or will it take a while since it's "the secret" that will have to catch me by surprise since it sounds like I'm putting too many expectations on things I shouldn't be? Stupid life, stop being so simplistically complicated.
Something I did on the sly:
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