case of the mondays

So, I created some random sayings that I said & heard throughout my day. I'm going to start designing & posting these to show how I've progressed in my skills, & to keep my creativity flowing.

**Wow, I totally didn't mean to design these synchronized with the color scheme.  It was all coincidental, by the way**

let's do this

Finding my creative self again. I definitely need to change this blog now since my actual website no longer exists. Look out for new updates soon!

Things I've done, despite my lack of creativity:

lost... again

I'm at that point in my life where I wish things were going my way.  They have been, or maybe it did.  I actually don't know, but I still feel I'm not where I want to be.  I'm nowhere near 25, but will be turning 24 soon (mark your calendars: Sept. 10).  Am I going through my quarter-life crisis... again?!

Being in Virginia, I feel stuck.  My brother left for the Peace Corps, so I'm forced to stay until he returns & to be there more for my parents, especially my mother.  However, it's been two days since I've kept contact with her, & I know I should be better about keeping in touch since I'm their only child within close proximity, but it's hard.  It's difficult especially since I have a life of my own & I can't stand the sight of seeing my mother cry.  Cry her eyes out about not wanting my brother to leave, or blaming me for him leaving, or his overall well-being living in a 3rd world country.

I feel no matter what, no matter who I'm associated with, I'll always have the past haunting me.  It's a lot of history to shake off & it's not that I want to forget it.  I'm not even sure if I want to move on from it.  It has shaped me & my life now, so should I even leave it?  No matter how hard I try it's always there.  I read a lot into signs & usually believe in them, so does it all mean something?  In my heart I feel it does, but others think/know otherwise.  Usually I'd take heart into what other's see, but with my stubbornness & tenacity to feel more of what's in my heart I go with my instincts, & hold off with what else is said.

Career-wise I enjoy doing what I do, but I know it's something I don't want to do for the rest of my life.  I did a total 360 from what I graduated to what I do now.  I've always wanted to be where I am now.  Hell, that's the reason why I wanted to do graphic design in the first place.  However, advertising still appeals to me.  Just the dynamics of it attracts me to want to be a designer for an art director & eventually an art director once being in the business for a while.  Thus, leading to my ultimate dream/goal of having my own agency or somewhere along those lines.  I don't know if this is a possibility, though, because I need to already have experience in that field & the only experience I have is what I've done in my portfolio classes in college & then volunteering for the Addy awards, if that's even considered experience at all.  Even if I wanted to get back into the game, I'd have to at least go to grad school & get into the business that way.  But I don't know, the way that I am/think I know I want to do it on my own without going to grad school, which may be tough, but I feel I can do it... somehow.  I know I need to take a risk & figure out when to do it, but is now really the right time?

I know I'm fucking awesome inside & out, but I feel no one of the opposite sex notices.  I don't even want to be tied down at the moment, but it is nice knowing I can attract the right people & have the attention of others agreeing how awesome I am.  Maybe it's also because I miss the perks of having a significant other who is the guy version of me.  I believe in tradition in the sense of the guy making the effort to catch my eye & not the other way around.  Lately it has been me making moves & quite frankly I'm tired of it because I feel it's getting me nowhere.  I hate wasting my breath for nothing because I feel I'm just wasting that fraction of my life where I could've been using it on something more interesting.

Sigh, will I get what I truly deserve?  Or will it take a while since it's "the secret" that will have to catch me by surprise since it sounds like I'm putting too many expectations on things I shouldn't be?  Stupid life, stop being so simplistically complicated.

Something I did on the sly:

neue

It's not a new year, but I feel a lot of change is coming.

Today my brother left to go to Africa for the Peace Corps.  He actually does not leave until tomorrow, but it was the last time I physically saw my brother.  That is, until he returns two years from now.  My mother has not taken it well, so far.  I had gone out for a run when I returned back to their house only to find my mother meeting me at the door, crying hysterically about how she did not want him to go & that she wanted him back.  She cried for me to call him at the hotel he stayed at, which I did, but to no avail he was not there.  Seeing my mother like this breaks my heart.  I now know I definitely need to be there more for my parents, & will have to put my plans on a hold until my brother returns.  I guess I will now know what it is like to be an only child for a bit.

Yesterday I received a reckless ticket while driving back home to drop off my brother from a dinner we had out of town on top of trying to make it on time for work.  Honestly, I am a safe driver who uses their turn signal when necessary, is usually defensive when on the road, & always in the middle of reckless drivers.  However there are moments when I am pressed for time, & may have to rush to get where I need to be.  Unfortunately, it is at times when the authorities catch me at my worse when in reality they should have been there for all the times I see other drivers driving more reckless than my speeding.  This is my second time receiving this offense & I do not know how this will turn out.  I am just really hoping nothing bad, but overpriced fees will be the consequence of this all.  Looks like this is the end of the little Asian speed racer that flows through my blood.

Another mishap concerning yesterday was the mysterious lost of a somewhat large sum of money in my purse.  Money usually does not phase me & I do not let it get the best of me, but it is so frustrating to know I did have this sum of money, but it is nowhere to be found.  I have lost between $500-$1000 within this month from my vacation in California, bills & general infrequent spending.  I do know how to budget my money if you are thinking otherwise.  I just think it is the economy that affects everywhere no matter if you have a job, or not.  I definitely can not spend money for a good two months or so.

My website expired not too long ago.  I was not given an email warning me & asking to renew.  I am not sure if it is because it might have been sent to my old email that I had deleted, but I swear it was set up with my current email address.  Since I do not have the funds to renew it, or even purchase a new web host/domain, I have to resort to using my blog as my portfolio/personal site.  This is tricky since I need to figure out how to convert my regular blog into an actual website.  Sleep deprivation will soon become a part of my life.

It seems as if one problem arises another appears, & it ends up snowballing into a disaster known as my life.  Despite this all, however, I have kept my cool & stayed optimistic.  I am not going to lie when I say that my mood has turned a bit "emo," but this feeling is beyond better than if it was my old self handling all this.  I forgot how it was to feel like this since I have been feeling like I was on top of the world for a few months.  I feel like this feeling is forever, but I know it will pass.  I just need to focus on what needs improvement & to go on from there.

Since I am making this my portfolio/personal site now I will try to post as much designs & art that I have created starting with these flyers for two events I am helping plan:

weekend lessons

*Denotes a conglomerate of people I truly care about

Another weekend gone & already I'm anticipating for next weekend to roll by.  However, I don't have to wait for the weekend to come since I'll be enjoying the California sun come this Wednesday.  Finally, an actual vacation from the real world... sorta.  Although I'll be living it up, mostly with family, on the West coast, I'll definitely miss the ones I care about.  Yes, that's correct.  You* :]

This weekend, like most that have passed, was one to remember.  Roaming around Hampton Roads to run errands, support a friend, fine dine (ok, so it wasn't that classy, but it was still dining & fine to me) with eclectic minds, hang out with people you normally would not, or have not seen in a while.  Basically, having an adventure that is not only an experience gained, but a life lesson learned.

So, what's this lesson I've learned you wonder?  It's similar to all the lessons I've learned actually.  Life's too short to dwell in the past.  Look at what you've got now & work that into your future.  Besides this point, I've also learned that there's nothing wrong in taking risks... when it comes to love.  I finally got to hang out with my virgo connection & we saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.  I thought it was an excellent movie & it made me wonder about love & the silly things it does to you.  I'm not gonna lie, I've done stupid things for love, but at what cost?  Only to feel a temporary high & then once it's gone, only to feel at a low point of your life waiting for the next high to come again.  Sounds like a drug & honestly, I don't wanna be hurt because you know, that's what drugs can do.  Then again, it's love & who wants to find themselves alone?

For a while, I've found myself at this position.  Fighting the mixed emotions of wanting to & then not caring to be loved again.  You've always got to look out for #1, right?  Only care about yourself since that's what matters in the end.  Well, as I'm typing out these words, that still stands true in my heart, but it doesn't hurt to let your guard down every once in a while to let love in.  Especially when it's that love that is/was true to your heart.  No matter what happens.  No matter what risks I take, or the opportunities I allow or pass up on.  I'll give love a chance not because it's what everyone wants, nor because it's something we all can't live without.  I'll simply take it as what I feel in my heart because it's always the intuition that knows what's best.  And usually that's the most honest things will get (it's funny to know I now know the meaning of what these love songs the Beatles, Lenny Kravitz & other artists sang about.  Yes, they really do have an actual meaning & aren't just catchy tunes forever embedded in your head).

Life is simple.  It really is.  It's like a puzzle.  Once you figure it out, the rest is easy.  How is it we form these little implications that make it complicated?  I guess that's where boredom & drama come in.