neue

It's not a new year, but I feel a lot of change is coming.

Today my brother left to go to Africa for the Peace Corps.  He actually does not leave until tomorrow, but it was the last time I physically saw my brother.  That is, until he returns two years from now.  My mother has not taken it well, so far.  I had gone out for a run when I returned back to their house only to find my mother meeting me at the door, crying hysterically about how she did not want him to go & that she wanted him back.  She cried for me to call him at the hotel he stayed at, which I did, but to no avail he was not there.  Seeing my mother like this breaks my heart.  I now know I definitely need to be there more for my parents, & will have to put my plans on a hold until my brother returns.  I guess I will now know what it is like to be an only child for a bit.

Yesterday I received a reckless ticket while driving back home to drop off my brother from a dinner we had out of town on top of trying to make it on time for work.  Honestly, I am a safe driver who uses their turn signal when necessary, is usually defensive when on the road, & always in the middle of reckless drivers.  However there are moments when I am pressed for time, & may have to rush to get where I need to be.  Unfortunately, it is at times when the authorities catch me at my worse when in reality they should have been there for all the times I see other drivers driving more reckless than my speeding.  This is my second time receiving this offense & I do not know how this will turn out.  I am just really hoping nothing bad, but overpriced fees will be the consequence of this all.  Looks like this is the end of the little Asian speed racer that flows through my blood.

Another mishap concerning yesterday was the mysterious lost of a somewhat large sum of money in my purse.  Money usually does not phase me & I do not let it get the best of me, but it is so frustrating to know I did have this sum of money, but it is nowhere to be found.  I have lost between $500-$1000 within this month from my vacation in California, bills & general infrequent spending.  I do know how to budget my money if you are thinking otherwise.  I just think it is the economy that affects everywhere no matter if you have a job, or not.  I definitely can not spend money for a good two months or so.

My website expired not too long ago.  I was not given an email warning me & asking to renew.  I am not sure if it is because it might have been sent to my old email that I had deleted, but I swear it was set up with my current email address.  Since I do not have the funds to renew it, or even purchase a new web host/domain, I have to resort to using my blog as my portfolio/personal site.  This is tricky since I need to figure out how to convert my regular blog into an actual website.  Sleep deprivation will soon become a part of my life.

It seems as if one problem arises another appears, & it ends up snowballing into a disaster known as my life.  Despite this all, however, I have kept my cool & stayed optimistic.  I am not going to lie when I say that my mood has turned a bit "emo," but this feeling is beyond better than if it was my old self handling all this.  I forgot how it was to feel like this since I have been feeling like I was on top of the world for a few months.  I feel like this feeling is forever, but I know it will pass.  I just need to focus on what needs improvement & to go on from there.

Since I am making this my portfolio/personal site now I will try to post as much designs & art that I have created starting with these flyers for two events I am helping plan:

weekend lessons

*Denotes a conglomerate of people I truly care about

Another weekend gone & already I'm anticipating for next weekend to roll by.  However, I don't have to wait for the weekend to come since I'll be enjoying the California sun come this Wednesday.  Finally, an actual vacation from the real world... sorta.  Although I'll be living it up, mostly with family, on the West coast, I'll definitely miss the ones I care about.  Yes, that's correct.  You* :]

This weekend, like most that have passed, was one to remember.  Roaming around Hampton Roads to run errands, support a friend, fine dine (ok, so it wasn't that classy, but it was still dining & fine to me) with eclectic minds, hang out with people you normally would not, or have not seen in a while.  Basically, having an adventure that is not only an experience gained, but a life lesson learned.

So, what's this lesson I've learned you wonder?  It's similar to all the lessons I've learned actually.  Life's too short to dwell in the past.  Look at what you've got now & work that into your future.  Besides this point, I've also learned that there's nothing wrong in taking risks... when it comes to love.  I finally got to hang out with my virgo connection & we saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.  I thought it was an excellent movie & it made me wonder about love & the silly things it does to you.  I'm not gonna lie, I've done stupid things for love, but at what cost?  Only to feel a temporary high & then once it's gone, only to feel at a low point of your life waiting for the next high to come again.  Sounds like a drug & honestly, I don't wanna be hurt because you know, that's what drugs can do.  Then again, it's love & who wants to find themselves alone?

For a while, I've found myself at this position.  Fighting the mixed emotions of wanting to & then not caring to be loved again.  You've always got to look out for #1, right?  Only care about yourself since that's what matters in the end.  Well, as I'm typing out these words, that still stands true in my heart, but it doesn't hurt to let your guard down every once in a while to let love in.  Especially when it's that love that is/was true to your heart.  No matter what happens.  No matter what risks I take, or the opportunities I allow or pass up on.  I'll give love a chance not because it's what everyone wants, nor because it's something we all can't live without.  I'll simply take it as what I feel in my heart because it's always the intuition that knows what's best.  And usually that's the most honest things will get (it's funny to know I now know the meaning of what these love songs the Beatles, Lenny Kravitz & other artists sang about.  Yes, they really do have an actual meaning & aren't just catchy tunes forever embedded in your head).

Life is simple.  It really is.  It's like a puzzle.  Once you figure it out, the rest is easy.  How is it we form these little implications that make it complicated?  I guess that's where boredom & drama come in.

untitled

As I sit here at work listening to The Smiths & attempting to design another shirt, I find myself at ease.  Not necessarily at peace, but just calm.  My horoscope, as usual, is correct.  Despite everything going on around me, I can sense everything is somewhat at a standstill.  I'm not sure as to what it is I have all my energies at a halt for, but whatever it is I hope it gets me to a point in my life where I'll have everything I've deserved & that I am satisfied.  This sounds like I'm talking about the end of the world.  Is it?  It seems as if we've come across an unknown frontier.

The future is coming.  Are you ready for it?  I think I'm just about ready to embrace it.

the times they are a changin'

**Disclaimer: The following blog is composed of raw opinions that shouldn't be taken serious, but most definitely considered. Apologies for the random rambling in advance**

Sorry it's been a while since I've last posted a blog. Surprisingly, my life has been busy even though it's more of my social life that's got me occupied, & not work or side projects I've yet to start/complete.

Things have started to look up for me lately. Well, actually it hasn't been that recent. More like a month or so ago. I've been able to look at the world at different perspectives & begun to understand that there's more out there in the world no matter how difficult the struggles you're going through can be. Although I have been good in keeping my thoughts positive & not let negativity ruin them, today was a different story.

Maybe it was the people around me, the change in the weather, or maybe there's no real reason at all, but today felt like a day where I could just leave it all. Suicidal or not? Sounds a bit like it, but honestly I have no reason to take my own life. I have a good job, friends & family that love me & definitely a lot more opportunities coming in my way. Take it however you may, I just feel so... asldkf;jasl;fj;alsjf;ajflaj. There's actually no specific word to pin it, but maybe explaining how I feel can help define it.

You know the feeling you get when you just don't care anymore? Not because you're sad, mad, depressed, etc. Or the feeling that sometimes it's better to be alone or better off without this & that because, really, you ARE better than whatever it is you're better than? I'm not sure if all of this is making sense, but that's just how I feel. It's not really towards a particular person or thing, or a situation of that matter. It's literally just how I feel. Maybe the word I'm looking for is a word synonymous to indifferent. Or maybe that is the word I'm looking for.

I feel like wandering for miles around the Earth. Taking in the sights & sounds, & appreciating the little details that entail this journey of life. I think this is just what I need. To get out of where I am & to expand my mind with what else makes this the world the way it is. Is this what a quarter-century life crisis is? Or am I starting to believe that there is no hope for society & that is why we are all so fixated on pop culture & its trends? I don't know. Sometimes I think no one ever really knows what I'm saying or thinking & I think it's sad. I wish people would see how much more there is out there because then I'd have someone else to talk about philosophical things & know that life isn't so predictable. I mean, I'm no revolutionist or saint with the way I'm talking about what I'm talking about because I definitely find myself indulging in pop culture trends, but hey! I'm only human.

I seriously think I just need a vacation...

Life may be predictable 99% of the time, but it's that 1% that makes you wonder why that is & most definitely is the reason why.

what is happiness?

**Disclaimer:  This isn't a fact.  It's merely a theory.  Hope you enjoy!**

About a little over five years ago, a reporter for the 757 column of the Virginian Pilot approached me when I was with my brother at the former Relative Theory records store in Norfolk, VA.  She was asking random cool kids in the store what their definition of happiness was.  Surprisingly, she approached me & asked me what I thought the meaning was.  This was hard.  I pondered for a second & being the naive youth I was simply stated:  "being loved."  At the time, everything had fallen into place in my life & I was in love.  Little do I know now, this was wrong.

Don't get me wrong.  Love is a many splendrous thing.  However, love can be complicated & there are more emotions that come with it besides happiness.  Tonight was one of those nights where I had an epiphany.  Well, I don't think I just realized it at that moment, but I damn well understood it now.  Happiness just isn't being in love or loved.  It's not just having everything in your life fall into place.  It's those small details in life that is happiness.  Think about it.  For me, playing my iPod on shuffle while driving in my car & it so happens all the songs it plays are the perfect songs that play at those exact moments.  Or, finding a random dollar bill in your pocket of something you haven't worn in a while.  Even being there for a friend or family member when you least expect it & the joy you feel just making their day better when you had no intentions of it.  To me, that is happiness.  The minor things in life that we all take for granted.  If only I had known back then what I do now.  I think I'd be a very well-rounded person ahead of her time.

I don't know all the answers in life, but I do know the lessons that come out of it.